


something living

by thekatriarch



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Adoptee Feelings, Female Friendship, Love, Pregnancy, something nice for a change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekatriarch/pseuds/thekatriarch
Summary: A few months after Endor, Leia gets some unexpected news
Relationships: Amilyn Holdo & Leia Organa, Leia Organa/Han Solo
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	something living

Leia didn’t want to get out of bed. She had been so _tired_ lately. She’d been tired just about every day for four years or so, but the quality of this exhaustion was different. She was sleeping more deeply than usual, but when she woke up all she wanted to do was sleep more. She must be coming down with something; she’d been feeling achy and queasy, too.

She was too busy for this. It had been almost five months since Endor, and things seemed to be happening very fast. The Imperials were tearing themselves apart from the inside with infighting over who would take the Emperor’s place, and meanwhile Leia was one of those tasked with trying to figure out how to build a New Republic government that wouldn’t simply collapse into authoritarianism the way the old one had.

She was exhausted. And she was sick of living in space. She wanted to see a real sky again, breathe a real atmosphere. See something living: trees or grass or _something_ besides the inside of a ship. She hadn’t been planetside since Endor.

Maybe when Han came back from wherever he was right now, she could put in a request for a few days R & R and they could go somewhere. She could use a break. 

And she was homesick. The fifth anniversary was coming up, and this year she had been persuaded to finally do a real memorial for the dead, so she would have to go to New Alderaan and lead the ceremony and look at all the faces of the tiny remnant of her people, who had lost everything because of her. Since it happened, she had mostly chosen to deal with it by refusing to deal with it; she threw herself into work to distract herself from the huge aching empty hole in her heart where her home and family should be, but it seemed to be less and less effective as the years passed. Was it just going to get worse and worse every year? Wasn’t it ever going to get any easier?

“There’s no cure for grief,” her best friend, Amilyn, had told her, many times. “You keep trying to outrun it, but that doesn’t work. The only thing you can do with grief is live with it.”

Luke liked to say stuff like that, too, now that he was so into his Jedi thing. She knew they were trying to be helpful, but it just made everything worse. Leia liked problems that had solutions, and there was no solution to this problem. Alderaan was gone. How was she supposed to “live with” that?

This was a bad topic to ruminate on, especially when she was already feeling sick. Maybe she should go to the medical bay just to get checked out. Whatever this bug was, it didn’t seem to be going away, and she’d been feeling like this for weeks.

She ought to go get something to eat, but the thought of food made her feel queasy again and she momentarily thought she might vomit.

Maybe she’d better take the day off.

Leia never took an unscheduled day off, no matter how sick she was. But maybe she’d earned one. She really did just feel run down and exhausted. And _sad,_ too; she felt like she might cry for absolutely no reason at all. Surely her meetings could be rescheduled. The idea filled her with an overpowering sense of relief, so she made a few calls, and then slunk back to her bed and pulled the covers over her head.

When she woke up again, she still felt lousy, but not quite so tired, at least. Her breasts felt tender and swollen and she wondered if maybe she was just having an unusually bad bout of PMS—

Hold on. She frowned. When had she had her period last? She did usually try to keep track but she’d never been particularly regular and things had been so hectic since Endor…

Oh no. It couldn’t be _that,_ right? She was panicking over nothing. Right?

Her door chimed, and when she didn’t open it immediately, it was replaced by a fist pounding on it. “Leia! Are you in there?” It was Amilyn.

“Give me a second,” called Leia, dragging herself out of bed and tossing her dressing gown on. She keyed the door open. “Hi Ami. What’s up?”

“You called out sick,” said Amilyn. “That’s never happened before, so I assumed you were dying. What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “I just feel gross and tired and I… I needed a rest, that’s all.”

“Have you been to medical?”

“No.” She sat down, picking at her cuticles nervously. She couldn’t be pregnant, right? She _couldn’t_ be. She felt lightheaded and dizzy, and suddenly she couldn’t seem to draw a full breath. Her chest hurt, too; suddenly everything hurt and she felt hyperaware of every part of her body. She gasped for air.

“Hey,” said Amilyn, sitting down next to her and taking her hands. “Slow down. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay. Breathe with me, okay?” Amilyn took a deep breath and Leia tried to match it. “Good,” said Amilyn. “Just keep breathing, okay? It’ll pass in a minute. You’re okay.”

After a few minutes she found she could breathe normally again.

“Okay,” said Amilyn. “Feel better?” 

She nodded, and then shook her head, and then nodded again, and then she started to cry. “I think I might be pregnant,” she said, trying to stop the tears.

“You think you might be _what?”_ repeated Amilyn. “Really?”

She nodded. “Maybe. I don’t know. It just occurred to me five minutes ago that might be what it is. But I’ve been so tired, and I feel so _weird,_ like… I don’t know. I feel sick all the time, like every time I even think about food I want to throw up, and I’m sure it’s been more than a month since I had my period.”

“Leia, you’re the most careful person I’ve ever met in my life,” said Amilyn.

She shook her head, tearfully. “I know, I know, usually. But my implant thing expired, and there’s a shortage, so I couldn’t get it replaced yet and I mean… sometimes I get carried away, I don’t _mean_ to but sometimes…”

“I know,” said Amilyn. “You’re a person, that’s normal.”

“I had that stupid thing for five years and of course it expired right when I finally _needed_ it,” she said. “What am I going to _do,_ Am?” This last bit came out in something approaching a wail and she hid her face in her hands. 

“Well,” said Amilyn, “first you’re going to calm down, and then we’re going to go to medical and get you a test. There’s no point in panicking when you don’t even know for sure. Then we’ll go from there.”

She nodded. Amilyn was right. There was no point in panicking yet. But the thought of going down to medical and asking for a pregnancy test made her want to crawl into a hole and hide forever. “What if someone _sees_ me?” she asked.

Amilyn shook her head. “Oh, all right. _I_ will go to medical and get you a test and bring it back here. Honestly, Lei. You’ll run into a firefight without a second thought, but the medical bay is too scary for you?” She stood up. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Try to stay calm.” She patted Leia on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine. Whatever the test says, we’ll figure it out.”

* * * * *

It was positive. She just kept staring at it in shock. She was pregnant. “This can’t be happening,” she said. “Ami, tell me I’m dreaming.”

Amilyn hugged her. “This is pretty wild,” she said. “Honestly, Lei, if someone asked me which one of us would accidentally get pregnant, I would have said me, and I’m _gay.”_

It made her laugh, which was what Amilyn was trying to do. “It’s gonna be okay, Leia,” she said. “It really will.”

Leia nodded. “You promise?”

“I promise. Everything’s going to be okay. You don’t have to decide right this second what you want to do.”

“Good,” said Leia. “Because I have no idea, Am. I always planned on having a family someday. I just… it wasn’t supposed to happen yet. The war isn’t even over!”

“Well, you know, the war might not be over for a long time,” said Amilyn. “You can’t just put off your life until the war’s over.”

She nodded, frowning. “Can you picture Han as a father?”

“Not really,” said Amilyn. “But that doesn’t mean anything. I barely know the guy.”

“So you think I should have it?” asked Leia.

Amilyn kissed her forehead. “I think you’re not going to be able to offload this decision onto me, or Solo, or anyone else. You have to decide for yourself, Lei, I’m sorry.”

“But what if I choose wrong?”

“I don’t think there’s a wrong choice,” said Amilyn. “It’s just about what you want.”

“But I don’t _know_ what I want!” That panicky feeling was starting to build up again.

“Well, you have some time to figure it out. It’s okay if you’re not ready, Lei. And look, whatever you decide, I’m here for you, unconditionally, okay? Come on,” she added. “We should make an appointment for you at medical.”

* * * * *

“All right, Your Highness,” said the medic. “This is going to be a bit cold.”

It was the next day. Leia was lying on a table in a private room in medical and Amilyn was standing next to her, and they were both watching the screen as the medic passed something over Leia’s belly.

“Ah,” said the medic. “There we go. Good image. See it there?” She pointed to one of the blobby images on the screen.

“Not… really,” said Leia.

The medic chuckled. “Doesn’t look like much yet, does it?” She traced along the edge of the blob. “This bit is the head, and then the spinal column here.” She moved the wand around a little and the screen flickered. “I’d say you’re about eight weeks along. Maybe just a bit earlier. Look right here.” She pointed to the image again. “That’s the heart. See it?” Right where she was pointing, there was a little speck fluttering. 

“Wow,” whispered Leia. It was so tiny. It didn’t seem possible that something so tiny could change her life so much.

“Kinda cool, right?” said the medic. “You want a copy of one of these pictures?”

“Oh,” said Leia. “I don’t know. I’m not… I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”

“Sure,” said the medic. “You don’t have to take one.” She wiped Leia’s belly off with a towel. “You can put your shirt down. So I know you’re considering your options. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have. This is a pretty common occurrence in the fleet; we’re pretty much always short on reliable birth control here.”

“Do most people… what do they do, most of them?” asked Leia.

“It’s about half and half, actually. We do a lot of abortions here, but a lot of people decide to proceed with the pregnancy.”

“Really? I never really see anyone…”

“The flagship’s not a great place to be pregnant or have a newborn,” said the medic. “So people usually transfer to more of a support role planetside somewhere, and some people decide to leave service and go home.”

Leia bit down on the inside of her mouth. Go home. She suddenly thought she might cry, which had been happening a lot. Was that because she was pregnant? She wished her mom was here.

This was madness. She couldn’t have a baby right now. The timing was all wrong. She and Han hadn’t even talked about children yet. What if he didn’t want them? 

But she kept thinking about that little flicker on the screen, that tiny second heart inside her body.

* * * * *

She wondered how her birth mother had felt about all this. Whether the pregnancy that had resulted in Leia and Luke had made her this sick, or if she had always felt like she was about to start crying, like Leia did. Or had she been happy? Leia had seen a few images of her birth mother; Luke had found out her name from Obi-Wan Kenobi’s old journals. She had been a very beautiful young woman with dark eyes and hair. Luke said that Leia looked just like her, but she wasn’t sure that was true. Leia wondered if she’d gotten pregnant on purpose, or if it had been a surprise, like this. She’d been a little older than Leia was now, and she’d been married for a few years already, but the marriage was a secret, so maybe she hadn’t planned to get pregnant either. She wished she could ask her.

She’d never thought too much about her birth mother. Not even after she finally learned who she was. It hadn’t seemed that important, compared to everything that was going on, and whenever she did think about her, she worried that it was somehow disloyal to her own parents.

But now, suddenly, Padmé Amidala loomed large in her mind. She would have liked to have a conversation with her now. She would ask her, were you happy about me? And Padmé Amidala would say, yes, I was so happy. What would you do, if you were me, she would ask and Padmé Amidala would say, you know what I would do. I would have the baby, of course. But what should _I_ do, Leia would say, and Padmé Amidala would say, I don’t know. Only you can answer that question.

Why did you go and die, Leia thought. You ought to be here to help me now. Both of you should, she thought, now thinking about her mom. Neither of you had any right to die and leave me all alone without any mother at all. And she started to cry.

She cried for a long time. Once she had started, she couldn’t stop until she’d cried for everything she had lost, and she had lost almost everything. Like all the tears she had held back and ignored for almost five years suddenly came out all at once.

She was exhausted afterward, but she also felt a little lighter, like she had been able to put down some of what she’d been carrying.

She fell asleep.

She dreamed that she was in the gardens of the palace back home. She could see her mother wandering through the flowers. “Mommy?” she called, and her mother turned and smiled at her.

“Hello sweetheart.” She reached out and enfolded Leia in her arms. “Oh, I feel like I haven’t seen you in years. You’re so beautiful. Did you get taller?”

“I don’t think so,” she answered, confused. “Mommy, how did I get here?”

“What do you mean, sweetheart? You’re home.”

“No, Mommy,” she said. “No, this is all… this is all gone now.”

“My Leia, it’s all still right here.” Her mom reached out and gently touched Leia’s heart. “Nothing’s ever really gone. As long as there’s any Alderaanians left, Alderaan will still be here.”

“It’s not the same,” whispered Leia, feeling tears in her eyes.

“No,” said her mother. “But nothing stays the same forever.” She reached out again and patted Leia on her belly, which, she realized suddenly, was huge. “Everything changes. That’s Alderaan in there, too, isn’t it? A little prince or princess.”

Leia put her own hands over her belly. “I’m scared, Mom.”

“Of course you are. That’s all right. Being a parent is scary. I was scared, when your father showed up with a newborn baby. He didn’t even warn me! And there you were, so beautiful and tiny. And you still are beautiful.”

“I miss you, Mom,” she said.

“I know you do, my love. I miss you, too.” Her mother kissed her on the head. “But I’m always with you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I’m right here with you. Never doubt how much I love you.”

When she woke up, she felt calmer and more at peace than she had in years, maybe ever. 

* * * * *

“I decided,” she told Amilyn the next day. They were in her quarters and Leia was picking at the bland meal Amilyn had brought her from the mess hall. She hoped her appetite would come back soon. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to have the baby.”

“Yay,” said Amilyn. “I think that’s great.”

“Really? You do?” She felt relieved, even though Amilyn had told her that she’d support her no matter what.

“Yes, I really do. I think you’ll be a great mom and I think I’ll be an incredible, you know, kooky aunt.”

“The role you were born to play,” said Leia, smiling.

“Absolutely.”

She sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell Han,” she said. “What do you think he’s going to say?”

“Something mushy and romantic, I’m sure,” said Amilyn. “And you just tell him. ‘Darling, I’m knocked up,’ or something.”

Leia couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s one way to do it, I guess.”

“If you tell him like it’s good news, he’ll be happy,” said Amilyn. “You worry too much.”

“I know, I know. He says the same thing. Ugh,” she said, putting down her fork. “Everything tastes horrible. How can I grow a baby when I can’t even _eat?_ It doesn’t make any sense!”

* * * * *

Three days later, after another long day of meetings and briefings and trying not to look as sick as she felt, she came back to her quarters to find Han there. The moment she saw him, she started buzzing with anxiety. She was going to have to tell him. What if he was upset? What if he didn’t want it? What if he left her and she had to raise the baby all by herself?

“Hey, Princess,” he said, bending down to kiss her. “I brought you something.”

“You brought me something?” she repeated. 

“Yeah, like a present.” He held out a small box. 

She smiled at him, feeling suddenly shy. “What is it?”

“Well, open it, why don’t you?” he said.

She opened the little box and then just blinked at what she saw there. It was a ring, made from silver with a milky white stone in the center; a very traditional Alderaanian wedding ring. “Where did you…?” Her voice trailed off as she looked at it.

“I know I’m not exactly the kinda guy you probably planned on marrying,” said Han. “But I love you, and I always will. Let’s get married.”

She looked up at him, utterly stunned. “Really?”

“Yeah, really,” he said. “Of course. What do you think?” He sounded nervous.

“I have to tell you something first,” she said. Tell him like it’s good news, and he’ll be happy, she reminded herself. “I’m— I’m pregnant.”

Now it was Han’s turn to look stunned. “You’re— really?”

She nodded, scared. “Yeah.”

“That’s amazing,” he said. “I mean— isn’t it? Are you happy or are you upset?”

She started to cry. “Both. But I want to have the baby, okay?”

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “I love you,” he said.

“I know,” she whispered.

“So was that a yes, then?” he asked.

“That’s a yes,” she managed, through tears. “Oh, I was so scared to tell you,” she sobbed. “Are you sure? Are you sure it’s okay? We never even talked about kids.”

He kissed her head again. “Sweetheart. I love you. Let’s do it. What’s the worst that could happen?”

She giggled nervously. “You know better than to ask me that.”

He kissed her hair. “Everything’s going to be great. Here, let’s see if that ring fits you.” She gave the box back to him, and he knelt down in front of her. She wiped her tears away with her other hand while he slid the ring onto her finger.

“It fits,” she said, and then she started crying all over again.

Han stood up and wrapped himself around her again. “I have to admit,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting this much crying.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said. “I ruined your proposal, it was so—”

He kissed her. “You didn’t ruin anything. You’re perfect. We’re gonna have a baby, huh? You better know going in, Chewie is going to spoil the kid rotten.” She giggled. “I’m not joking. He’s going to go nuts. Chewie loves kids. We’ll never have to hunt for a babysitter.”

She looked down at the ring on her finger, blinking through her tears. “It’s so beautiful,” she said. “It’s just like the one my mom wore.”

“A lot smaller than hers, I expect,” said Han.

“It’s perfect,” she said. “I love it. Where did you get it?”

“I managed to hunt down an old guy, a jeweler, from Alderaan. I was trying to be discreet about it, but he figured out it was for you, and then, well you know. He insisted nothing he had in the shop was good enough, he had to make a special piece just for you, and then he wouldn’t even let me pay for it. I left a bunch of credits in his shop and he ran me down at the spaceport to give them back.”

She smiled. “I love it. And I love you. Let’s do it soon, okay? I don’t want to look super pregnant at my wedding.”

Han laughed and kissed her again. “Whatever you want, Your Worship. We can do it right now if you want.”

“Not in space,” she said. “I want to be somewhere with a sky.” 

“Space _is_ the sky.”

“You know what I mean, Solo,” she said, and he laughed.

“There’s my girl,” said Han. “Come here, princess.” And he kissed her again.

**Author's Note:**

> thought I would write something happy for a change, just to see what it's like, I hope you enjoyed it
> 
> Thanks for reading ^_^


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